Twice this week I have sat across the table from Mark and scoffed a Pigs Will Fly Burger. ‘Goddamn it I love this burger,’ I remind him, BBQ sauce dripping down my chin. ‘This is totally the best burger on our menu,’ I continue, ‘although the Bacon Bacon Burger gives it a run for its money. And the Blue Cheese Burger is pretty good. I love all the burgers equally.’
Forgive my confusion. Burgers are a bit like falling in love for the first time. Like a first kiss, complete with breaking out the napkins after for a quick clean up. Why do we have to limit ourselves to loving just one? ONE AT A TIME, may be some sensible advice. So let me tell you about my latest love – my romance with chopped pork, pink slaw and BBQ sauce.
I remember the first time we met. Across a crowded and noisy room, her shoulder caught my eye. It had been some time since my last flirtation and I was hungry. I think I passed a sly comment to Mark – ‘Nice buns, eh? Just over a handful’, and sauntered over, my eyes drinking her in. She teased me with her perfume. Smokey and sweet. Enticing. Definitely animal. I knew I had to have her. I had to have her cute little sesame seeds.
Smooth talk has never been my thing. Senses overloaded, I made a clumsy attempt to reach for her. I firmly grabbed her buns and squeezed together. Soft, yet supple, her freshness sent electricity through my fingers. I lifted her up and breathed her in before closing my eyes and bringing her to my lips. It was love at first bite. At this point I didn’t even care if she belonged to anyone else. For this brief moment she was mine.
She danced on my tongue. Sweet, spicy, tangy, alive. Time stopped. All existence recondensed into a singularity and burst forth into a new dimension. There was only us. The universe expanded. Galaxies formed. Life evolved. And we returned back to the present, my eyes now wide open. “Oh God, this is awesome”, I remember saying.
That first taste left a lasting effect on impressionable me. She was pink and juicy and soft. Her flesh tenderly giving itself for my pleasure. She showed me balance and boldness, subtlety and secrets. Her blend of styles reminded me of a runway supermodel whose ethnicity you can’t quite pick. A little bit of Memphis, Kansas, Georgia… A whole lot of Yes. I was hooked.
Since then, I have flirted with the other burgers. Sometimes it’s the maturity of the Black and Blue Burger which craves my attention. Sometimes the debauchery of the Bacon Bacon Burger. And let’s never forget the simplistic beauty of the Classic American. But my heart always has a place for her, my Pigs Will Fly.
Today, I tell the world my love of her and hope that many others will come and relish in her decadence and sexiness. For she is more than I can ever keep to myself. She needs to be set free to excite the many others who yearn for that first bite. To light that fire in new people. To give herself to anyone wanting or willing. To be shared.
I love her. That slut.
– Quán Ụt Ụt